Sunday, December 05, 2004

Old Man Winter and the Big, Bad Blah

"Frozen Slipper"

Winter is tough on my senses.

Mine are in a blender set on high. My moods are tossed, chopped, pulsed, pureed and makes for one very blah concoction. I’ve been blah for the past few days - my mind, my body, my spirit, even my hair - and I don't know what to do.

"Be patient with the questions that lie within your heart". Rainier Maria Rilke said. Or something like that.

I have a lot of questions. I question why I have to wait so long to get on with my "life". Not that I don't appreciate the one I have now. On the contrary. I have learned - the hard way - to be grateful for that which I have. There's so much to be thankful for. I have a great husband who loves me and children who are the most lovable beings in the universe. I have everything I ever wished for and more. Besides, an attitude of gratitude certainly beats being grumpy all the time.

But there is that place in my insides that remain empty, a hole, a void that never seems to get filled by anything - be it power, money, family, not even a million and one books and beautiful babies.

I am beginning to feel a twinge of guilt as I say this but I say this just the same because it is the truth. My truth. And the truth shall set me free.

The question is when.

I question why that void never gets filled by anything. Not even my concept of God or Goddess or any variation of divinity my puny human brain can imagine can settle the feeling of emptiness.

Maybe it's just human nature. No contentment. No peace. Only momentary glimpses of it. “It” is as fleeting as a butterfly landing on one's shoulder on a spring day.

Or maybe, it's PMS.

Ahhh, winter and the big, bad blah.

God, I can't wait for it to be over.

"Mr. Sun,
Mr. Golden Sun
Please shine down on me."
- Nursery song

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