One of my inspirations in music
I used to be a professional singer.
It was good. It was bad. It was everything in between.
I reached the highest high. I dropped into the deepest depths.
It made me feel alive. It made me feel like dying.
After a while, it made me want to give it all up.
I said to myself, what's the use.
The glory I experienced was fleeting.
So I left.
I did not sing for a very long time.
Except to my little ones. And my big one. At home.
There was fulfillment. My heart was full.
Family completed me.
Or so I thought.
In spite of having "everything"
There seemed to be something missing
This thing. This empty feeling.
This nameless longing.
I tried to ignore it.
I tried covering it up.
I tried filling my life with comings and goings
All the time doing, doing, doing
I tried very hard.
And failed. Miserably.
Yes, I would surface from the darkness.
But I would find myself back in it again and again.
I went into a deep depression.
I felt lost.
My big question was:
How can one have everything and still feel this emptiness within?
How selfish of me. How self-centered. How neurotic.
How...how...how do I change it?
How do I? I asked.
I begged for an answer.
I needed it like a living being needed air.
I was lost and dying.
This time I was angry.
My anger stemmed from having to come back
Over and over to this putrid place of darkness
It stank of stale resentments, unlearned lessons
A dull, throbbing, insistent ache seemingly without a cure
I even cursed at God
For making it all so difficult, so painful
So utterly hopeless
I hurled curse after curse at Him, Her, It
Until I ran out
I was crying in anguish and hopelessness
Then my ultra conservative upbringing
Slaps me in the mouth
And stops me cold
How dare I be angry at God
I thought to myself, Now I am damned for sure.
Surprisingly no punishment came
Instead a quiet answer.
In the dark heaviness that surrounded me
Came a most gentle, loving voice
The Voice embraced me whole
The Voice took me in entirely as I am
In all my incompleteness
and angry imperfection
Then all became still
How do you change it, you ask?
Well, child, you don't.
Slowly, it washed over me.
There was a quiet realization that all I needed to do
Was turn over the reigns.
I needed to let go. I needed to trust the Voice within.
I needed to because, plain and simple, I have ran out of choices.
I let the change come.
I surrendered to it. Yes. That was the difference.
I totally surrendered this time.
I realize that the Music and the Voice are one
Back then I was so distracted by the inconsequential
That I failed to hear the real music
I may have been singing but to an entirely messed up beat
I believe I have found my rhythm now
And I choose to sing and dance to it wholeheartedly.
The passion for true song I have suppressed.
I let the noise of the world take over the gift.
I say, no more.
I may have chosen to leave my music once before.
But it has never left me.
My soul cries for genuine expression.
My spirit needs to share.
And so I choose to sing again.
But for a very different reason at this point in my life.
I sing not for self-glorification.
I sing in gratitude for the gift that has been entrusted to me
I sing because it gives me joy
I sing because it is my passion
I sing because not doing so means death to my soul
I sing to give glory to the one that has given
My life back.
The Voice has a name by the way.
He is the One. The Only One.
He is the Almighty God.
And to Him I give back all the Glory.
Now and forever.
In Jesus Mighty Name
Passion is holy --- a profound Mystery that transcends and transforms through rapture. We need to accept that a sacred fire burns within, whether we're comfortable with this truth or not. Passion is part of Real Life's package because we were created by Love, for Love, to Love. If we do not give outward expression to our passions, we will experience self-immolation --- the spontaneous combustion of our souls. Sarah Ban Breathnach, Simple Abundance