Tuesday, January 17, 2006
A Case of the Crappies, For The Moment
WARNING - - - To Mom, Dad and right-winged Christian friends and relatives: CONTAINS UN-FOLK-SY, UN-CHRIST-LIKE LANGUAGE and BEHAVIOR!
Stop reading now or risk losing our friendship...forever! (Don't tell me I didn't warn you.) :-p
Right now I accept myself for who I am completely.
Right now I honor myself and those I love without any judgment nor cynicism.
Right now I accept the love and joy that the Universe continues to shower upon me and my family.
CRAP. JUST A LOAD OF NEW-AGE, POLLYANNA C-R-A-P.
CRAP, CRAP, CRAP, CRAP, CrrrrrRRRRRRaaaaaaAAAAAAAAP!
I wrote those pollyannashitbars just a couple of days ago. I was feeling, rather, was trying to feel all goody-goody about myself because it was pre-birthday day. I refused to go into the self-pity-I'm-all-by-me-lonely-self-on-my-b-day mode (family in another country or your good old immigrant story) so I was doing my cheerleader bit. (No, I was never a cheerleader so that did not work well either.)
That was then. This is now. And the big news this morning is all that goody2shoe crap just got flushed down the toilet where it rightfully belongs. For the moment.
Here's the crapcase: I just gave my one and a half year old baby boy not one, but two, TWO swift swats on the bum. He was kicking and screaming as I was changing his diaper in his crib and I was obviously losing my mind over it. The spanking left angry red marks on his sweet behind, for crying out loud. Yes, HE was crying OUT LOUD. And yes, I did it in anger and there is no, absolutely NO excuse for that. (Did I hear anyone say: nervous breakdown?) I am a beast of a mother. I am the crappiest, lowliest mother in the whole of the universe. I am as horrible as HORRIBLE can get. And more so because I preach no bum smacking until they can go to the potty by themselves which means they have some semblance of right or wrong already. Preachy, psycho, crazy mom-I-am! For the moment.
My poor baby has the sniffles (which makes me a hundred times worse than all the horrible-ness I already mentioned) so he has been very cranky (read: whining, clinging, kicking, biting). All three kids have been under the weather for the past few days which translates to three very needy kids the past few days. I've been PMS-ing and finally got my period in full force today. You combine the two scenarios, and you've got the perfect recipe for disaster. The Middle Girl (MG) who already got her own couple bum-smacks a few minutes ago, was not helping in any way either. (Middle children, why the hell are you such attention whores?!) Eldest Boy has been nothing but amazing today. He put on the school clothes I prepared on the bed all by himself and sat by the door to wait for Babajaan (grandpa) who takes him to Kinder class daily. (God bless grandparents everywhere!)
Me: "Babajaan's not coming for another 20 minutes, Sol."
Eldest Boy (EB): "It's okay, Mommy. I'll just wait here."
He is obviously staying away from the crazy-zone which covers the living room, kitchen and kids room right now. Little One is already half-way to dreamland with his milk bottle and sore tooshie, thanks to his mommy-beast.
Me: "Okay, my love. I'll make your snacks now. What do you want?"
EB: "Cheese and jam sandwich, please." very calm, polite, and dignified. Very unlike how Mommy has been acting this morning.
This, of course, is making me feel more and more guilty by the minute. MG is sensing the peace and calm over at big brother's area by the entrance door and so makes her way there. Smart MG. They can be attention whores but damn, have they got the street smarts, these middle children. A game of "I Spy" ensues between them and all is calm. For the moment.
I am still worlds away from what the media calls the Real Monster Moms who drown, drop, or dangle their kids. But I can surely understand and even empathize with them as I grow more into my mommy role which is not so unlike monster-y at times. I am no longer judgmental of the mothers who I used to criticize for being so weak and think of as plain stupid. I am less critical of those women who choose to medicate their stresses away (although I still have a lot of doubts as to that many people really needing all that medicating but that's another tale for another time). I no longer question those women who do crazy things like attempt or commit suicide during their menses. I'd have killed myself a long time ago, if not for my solidly Catholic upbringing and although now a recovering-Christian am still scared shitless of burning in Catholic hell. Even that "crazy, evil" woman in the grocery who called her son tanga!(stupid) doesn't look so crazy or evil to me anymore.
In my moment's crappiness, it all simmers down to this: Motherhood (x3!) really has a way of sticking one's nose down to one's crap and teaching to drop shit in one's own poopy place. There is no point judging, criticizing, questioning how others deal with their crap because I have a load of my own to take care of, thank you. It had to take three very energetic (read: LOUD), passionate (read:LOUDER) kids to put me in my place. To the singles Moms-to-be out there doing the same thing I did, watch out! The more critical, the bigger the crap case ahead. Stop while you're ahead and keep to your own shit instead of judging others'.
Which is the just the right metaphor for how I am feeling right now, I am such a dirty bitch of a dog for doing what I did to my son today. How could I?!?!?!
How could I? Because I am human and NOT SUPERHUMOM after all.
I think I'm going to take some calming meds now. Don't worry. It'll only be one extra-strength Tylenol.
And just for the moment, The Breathing Room looks very much like the The Shitting Room.
Honey, come home already, damnit! HAAAAAAAALP!!!!!!!!! aaaAAAAAAAArrrrrrGGGGGGGHHHHHH! %@#1@#21!!!!@@@!!!!
Little One and Not-A-Monster-Mommy, during calmer days
Posted by The Ten O' Clock Habit at 1/17/2006 02:34:00 PM